Avoiding the "Self-Esteem Trap"

One of the many blessings (and curses) of being unemployed is that it leaves you with a lot of time to think and to ruminate. Cruising LinkedIn all day brings up uncomfortable questions, especially: "How "good" am I at life? How successful am I, and how do I compare to others?" When we're confronted by someone who seems to be doing a better job of "winning" at life for whatever reason - maybe they're more put-together, more popular, farther along in their career, etc - our natural instinct is to compare ourselves. 

And if we find that we fall short, our next instinct can be to think of ways in which we're superior. Perhaps Tom has a great career, but at least I'm not a jerk like him! Gertrude may be smart, but I know I'm better looking! 

This is what I'm calling "the self-esteem trap:" when comparing ourselves to others, we focus on our strengths to console ourselves for our weaknesses. Life is a constant measuring and comparing and a sizing up of us against our "competition," hoping that by at least one measure, we can come out "on top."

But this is a never-ending cycle that only drives us to misery. By doing this, we make our happiness dependent upon other people, and how they compare to us. The secret to becoming a happy and successful person is not to compare yourself to others, it's to exhibit humility.

Humility, as you may have heard before, is not thinking less of yourself, but thinking of yourself, less. 

If you want to be truly great and truly happy, instead of constantly concerning yourself with others and their "stack rank," fall in love the world around you. Pursue the true, the good, and the beautiful. Seek the highest kind of knowledge, the most profound aesthetic experiences, and the deepest communion with God and neighbor. Real success and real happiness come from an interior disposition of wonder, gratitude, love, and all of the other virtues.

By doing this and avoiding the rat race of comparative success, you can find peace, because your self and your status are no longer the center of your world. By accepting that your happiness is dependent not on your social or career status, but on the kind of concordance with reality that comes from seeking the true, the good, and the beautiful, you will not only be happy, but you will be truly successful.